Slowly I am moving back to my center.Back to the middle of the beam. It takes a lot to get back but it seems like it only takes a second to get off the beam. A harsh word from my husband followed up by a perceived attack from a co-worker then a slight from a relative. Add in the medication and the Devils Tic Tac’s (Prednisone) and I was so far off the beam that I could not even see the building in which it was located.

Rooting around a city of unfamiliar, familiar hell. Was I even in the right city Yes, I’ve visited this city before. I noticed how dark and full of despair this was. Very familiar to me was the self-loathing. The lash that I picked up and used to beat myself blind. There is a period where navigation norms like meetings, calling a trusted friend, journaling and prayer do not seem to be registering with the magnet in the center of the earth. I am so far off course that I almost believe the lie.

I must be the worst person ever. My ego has won, I have shifted to the back of my being. I am now a shadow of my former self. The hole in my middle is large, empty, and dark. I keep floundering around in this semi-unfamiliar city of darkness when; what’s that I hear? My spirit that lives in my heart, above the hole. That mustard seed of hope that whispers to me, “hey pull your ass out of your head.” Keep looking for the light. Once you find the light, turn left at gratitude and remember how bad it used to be. Go to a meeting, hear how bad it is for the still suffering. Be of use. Offer comfort and understanding.

Directions out of the dark are found here. Walk, crawl, or hitch a ride but get your ass out of the dark. Joy comes in the morning. Welcome back Brenda.

January, 2017