I was going through my purse yesterday exploring, hoping I might find a reminder that could shed light on the purse’s  past usage. I was vaguely hoping that I might find a peppermint or a butterscotch candy (Hey, don’t judge me). This was a purse that I had not used in a while, but was ready to put back into rotation.  I don’t know if you do this but whenever I change purses there is always some leftover artifact, gum, candy, or receipt…..

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I remember getting the sensation or feeling that he was hyped up or something.  There was some sort of male thing going on between he and my husband, Harvey that I didn’t quite feel I was a part of.  I assumed it began after Harvey picked them up from the airport.  I couldn’t go because I had to work.  Now it seemed to be continuing. A sort of jockeying for position, as if Harvey, Jr and maybe to a lesser extent my cousin Jackie…..

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I love the summertime. That’s when I see people getting out having fun and doing all sorts of things.  It’s also when my mind can relax enough to relive summers past. I tend to be caught off guard but excited when memories come to me in the form of sounds and smells. Summer has been a source for past memories for me for a long time.   Just today I was standing in my kitchen, trying to figure out the best way…..

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Are you remembering? The better question is: What have you already forgot?  You, Brenda Fantroy-Johnson, having found yourself amidst the ruins.  The little girl lost, the one who knew nothing.  The one who only wanted to lay in the grass and smell the flowers. Still like that today.  Climb in a cherry tree, ride your bike in the wind. Be free.  Even on the mountain, people say: Move Brenda. Perseverance. Guilt and shame does not look good on you.  Like a…..

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I was sharing with a group of friends recently on how we help each other because we all “get” each other.  We have some of the same experiences and we all have the same basic hopes and fears. I began to think about how helping others helps me in the long run. Then, I had a different thought: How long does it take me before I realize that I am the one in need of help?   I was sitting there…..

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I moved to Seattle in 2005 from Ohio and Detroit before then. These were all big moves. My life had taken a sudden turn. I discovered that I had skills that were being sought out in the job market. My career had taken off. I didn’t have a lot of faith in myself at the time. I had a lot of fear. This was my biggest fear: they would find out I was not as good as my resume. One…..

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Thanksgiving has come and gone and I am still pondering the result. I’ve learned things about myself in this last holiday. My mind is still out to get my ass as usual and I’ve discovered that my mind has a way of planting memories that never happened.   Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that, if I’m not careful, I start reflecting back to the good old days. The times when, as a family we would all be in the…..

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I don’t know what I thought would happen. I guess I had worked it up in my mind. I’ve had nightmares about the return home to Detroit. I voiced these concerns to everyone who asked. With a dire look on my face I would explain, “I’m going back home to Detroit.” I half expected each of my friends to just have the funeral for me before I went. I would explain that yes, my daughter is getting married so I’m…..

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  How do we make sense of a crazy world? How can we when there is so much pain? Some people say you have to hold on. I say be still and let go. When my Mom died I could not see how the world continued. People went to work, to school, and on vacation. Kids played, laughed and Government functioned. How could that be? Didn’t they know that my Mom was gone? I could not function so I expected…..

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Journal Thoughts – June 2017 There’s something changing in me. Again. Still. It feels deep down in my core, as if every blood cell is being reengineered. As if my entire body is changing. I feel a bloodletting. Letting go again on a cellular level. Like a new skin, only inside. Maybe that is what it takes for this one. Letting go of family is hard. Someone who has been internal to my soul. A love so deep that the…..

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